What you have said about your son strikes a chord with me. My boy is 16 tomorrow and I had similar worries, he never had loads of friends at primary school and had his own somewhat niche interests that others didn’t get (speakers and PA systems - he used to do me really complex audio set-up drawings, at least one a day, I’ve tried to scan as many as possible and he was also into train level crossings), I really loved that he ploughed his own furrow so to speak. I did worry a lot though before he started secondary school and feared he’d be singled out, thankfully this hasn’t happened, he’s got a small but good circle of friends and his interests have broadened somewhat into more techie stuff and he’s finding his feet musically which is great to see.
He doesn’t go out that much though, but that seems to be fairly common if a bit odd to those of us of a certain age. A lot of the kids that are kicking about at nights here go round in big gangs and it’s just not him so in some respects I’m glad he’s not out loads.
I’m sure your son will find his feet and you’ve got his back. Just wanted to message as your situation sounded similar to ours a few years back.
Yeah, my guy really likes drawing and spends a lot of time honing his craft. He has a few friends but its very obvious when I drop him off at school he isn’t like the other kids. He can be quite serious but I think it comes from always trying to show us that he’s a good kid. I asked him if anyone is ever mean to him and his response is, “I just ignore mean people”, and while that gave me some relief the dad is concerned that it happens a lot. Thankfully I have been assured by his friends that it doesn’t happen because my son just walks away or doesn’t react so they leave him alone. I just wish that kids - or maybe their parents - were more akin to kicking kids out of the house and letting them go hang out with each other. We do have quite an overzealous police force where I live and he told me the one time him and three of his friends (they’re between 11 and 12) went out together a police officer decided to harass them for no reason at all including asking them how much money they had, where they got it from, why they were sitting on the bench, etc. It was appalling, and not great for a bunch of kids who are trying to find their way in this world.
I also want to say I live in a town where nobody locks their doors and you see car keys left in cars all the time.
I’m glad you read the post and that I was able to give you some perspective really… even if it was just for a laugh, I mean is always positive to bring creativity in perspective also to relieve any tension that may be related to the situation and tighten mutual trust
Just for balance, I have to say there are lots of really good things about having an older teen kid. In general I feel our relationship is much better now she’s a more independent entity… the downside is I just see a lot less of her.
When i think back to what i was doing at 17, im either blissfully unaware of what hes getting up to, or the kids these days are over-nannyed (is that a word).
i was a youthworker for 20 years with young offenders, school refusers and generally the “excluded”. I also have an 18yo son in 1st year at university in the wilds of exeter.
from my experience, fwiw, the best times to have the tough conversations are when the respective parties are in a good place. all too often, we’re trying to have the tough talks when the strain is present and tensions are high. strong words are best spoken softly in receptive ears.
Single patent to two boys, 20 and 12. Both on autism spectrum, eldest also has ADHD and moderate learning disabilities. He’s like a 5 year old in a 20 year old’s body, very naive and retains a beautifully simplistic view on life. Both are broadly hyposensitive, actively seeking out sensory stimulus much of the time. They stim a huge amount of the time as a consequence, generating a lot of noise and movement wherever they are. Screens are a godsend when I need them to stay still for even a moment in public.
They find social cues / interactions utterly confusing so don’t really care for maintaining social relationships beyond a transactional level, “Does this person have something I want or need in this particular moment?”. The youngest literally (very fixed, literal thinking) compartmentalises his life, school friends belong in school and he’s adamant that he doesn’t want to see them in any other context, no matter how hard I try. Eldest is everyone’s friend, frequently stops strangers in the street to say hello, it’s very sweet but he’s vulnerable too so it means he can’t go out unaccompanied. He has a particular liking for middle aged blondes, if I see any on the horizon I have to reign him in and change direction!
I don’t know what the future holds for them. The youngest will probably be capable of making a life for himself, the eldest will need supervision his entire life and probably isn’t going to find meaningful employment.
My partner has two kids, I guess they’re my step kids now after 3 1/2 years of the relationship, so I get to see the sort of issues articulated by many of you. I’m glad it’s not me trying to steer them through the many minefields they face / create!
Your oldest sounds a lot like my 22 year old. A beautiful human being but very vulnerable and with a lot of odd enthusiasms & interests. He’s in supported living now which is a big step away from the family home and an emotional wrench but hoping he can build more independence. There is, somewhere, a meaningful employment/volunteering role for him but I don’t know what, yet.
I too scan the horizon for - currently - old ladies, and kids in Disney / Stitch clothing.
My main learning from bringing him up / being out and about with him is that most people are pretty understanding, and sometimes they’re really awesome.
(I also have 3 other boys, 15-25, who between them cover a lot of the other issues in this thread. Dadding ain’t easy.)
I must say that I’m so glad this thread has taken off. What it has highlighted is the huge range of issues that parents have to deal with and hats off to each and everyone one of you who’ve commented (and also to those who haven’t).
I’d also like to echo Piers’ comment that there is a huge amount of joy and satisfaction in bringing up children even in these particularly trying times.
I’m sure many of our young people look at the world today and don’t see much of a future for themselves. Just the fact that they are up and at it each day is a bloody marvel frankly.
My 17yr old niece is in a similar position, won’t be able to ever live alone, employment will be tricky but she is as sweet hearted a person you’ll meet, her best friend is my 83yr old mother in law. Her twin sister is going to uni in September, her leaving home is going to be really big thing.
Totally agree. The vast, vast majority of people who encounter my lads are generous, friendly and forgiving. Occasional idiots, usually those too young to know better or so old that they should know better.
Know I’ll have to think about supported living at some point. I’ll find it tough, though, as it seems you did. Is it working out for all?
I acknowledge that all parents feel the stress and struggles of raising kids, but I’m so humbled and amazed at how some Dads in this thread are handling the big stuff, the kids who need that extra help, in some cases for the rest of their lives. Hats off to you and I appreciate you sharing your stories.
Indeed. One of my close friends 18 year old son has severe autism and will likely be living with him throughout his life. I love the boy to bits who’s just a beautiful wee human being, but it certainly isn’t an easy journey. The world is an objectively better place with him in it.
Pretty much yes, it’s a nice place not too far away, three young guys sharing a suburban house with a rotating cast of carers. He loves it.
As ever there are no silver bullets and you still have to struggle against complacency & stretched resources.
For those of you already in the teenager phase, do you find yourself being overprotective because you knew what you got up to at that age? I worry I might be that way inclined and I’m not convinced it’ll be a healthy reaction.
One of his autistic traits is an ability to spot slightly ‘wrong’ details & put them right.
So if you’re chilling in your car with the door slightly open, he’ll shut it for you
If you’re in a queue with your bag slightly open, he’ll zip it up for you.
And - this is the best one - if you walk past him in the street and your glasses have slipped a bit down your nose he’ll push them back up for you.
I don’t know how we’ve got away with all this, but like I say, people are pretty good. Mainly.
