She tends to roll her eyes and tells me to stop listening to wanky podcasts and reading self help books…
That sounds exactly like my 18 yo daughter, and I always reckon as long as they’re taking the piss we’re not doing too bad 
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My oldest son was going to order a kit online to do his septum. Anyway he went to a local place instead, who told him that his septum was too thick to pierce and that he would probably have done himself serious harm.
So there’s that.
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The sexuality and gender issue was something that had a big impact on us about 4 years ago.
I’ll need to be delicate as some of it is not my story to tell.
My daughter was 12 at the time and almost overnight 4 of her 6 close freinds either identified as, gay, bi sexual, non binary and one changed their name and was referred to as ‘they’.
My daughter breezily told me how she’d mentioned to a girl on the way to class that she was a lesbian.
I advised caution in confiding such information to someone who isn’t a very close freind. “when I was at school, that would’ve been used against you” I said.
“Oh, it’s not like that now”. She said.
The following five years have been incredibly difficult for all of us and we’ve had to deal with the (almost) worst possible scenarios you’d want for your child.
She was ostracised, bullied and eventually had to move schools. Her mental health suffered terribly and her education, mainly just through lack of attendance has suffered too.
Someone told me that as a parent you are only ever as happy as your least happy child. It has been a tough few years.
Now she is 17, the rainbow flags and bags have long gone, all of the group have had various boyfriends and some are in ‘long term’ relationships, with boys.
There did seem to be a bit of a trend after covid, where young people felt they had to label themselves by gender or sexuality. It seemed to be an unhelpful preoccupation, a phase for many.
I suppose this is to illustrate my earlier point about these choices/decisions that the young people make, whether to fit in, to express themselves or just because they think it looks ‘cool’ are so changeable at that age, and my 17yr old would likely not make the same choice as her 12yr old self, yet cannot see that they might regret a decision made now in 5 years time.
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Tattoos the big one for us. Loads to say but in consideration of family unity / privacy I’ll leave it there. DMs open etc.
Single father of a 6, soon to be 7 yo girl, no real family support at all so it’s just me and her, I don’t think too far ahead else I feel overwhelmed,.
I’ve only read bits of this thread but it’s given me the fear so I think i’ll be swerving it, no offence!
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Reading through this thread has made me reflect on my own childhood. I had everything I could have wished for growing up. I was lucky because my parents were good people, they worked hard and were generous. Dad gave me my first 1210s for my 16th birthday. But there were clear boundaries. If I talked back or stepped out of line, I was grounded or punished. A slap if I really pushed it. I never saw it as unfair or cruel, just the way things were. I carried those values into adulthood and never felt any trauma from them, later a strong sense of respect and accountability (maybe not at the time).
I know parenting has changed a lot, and I get that not everyone sees discipline the same way now, but felt I wanted to share a different perspective, one where firm boundaries didn’t mean a bad childhood or a broken relationship with my parents. In fact, when I came out a few years after turning 18, they struggled but ultimately supported me. Just curious, do any of you feel like discipline today is harder to enforce, or do kids just have more ways to push back?
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That’s the best way to go. I had my kids young so didn’t overthink things by accident (of youth), rather than design. A parent knows their children better than anyone and should trust their gut instinct rather than listen to the noise, 99% of which is bullshit.
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My heart goes out to you, and I had a similar experience with my kid around gender id, also around the time of Covid. It lasted less than a year but was a very challenging time.
Really good subject for a thread.
I have a two year - soon to be three old boy. Only child so far. Love him to death. One thing that worries me seeing him growing up is not only social media but screens in general. A subject thats been touched upon already in the thread but i wanna hear your experiences and advices.
We have kept him “screenfree” which is kinda a becoming a term in Denmark. Mostly used by resourceful middleclass parents, like myself, who can dedicate extra time to play, reading, etc. But still he is becoming older and at some point i dont wanna see him isolated amongst friends who can refer to games, shows, etc when he cant. But i wanna still try to nurture his concentration and creativity as long and as much as possible. I see kids his age at playgrounds just sitting with an iphone or eating at restaurants with a tablet in hand. I think thats also is a form of isolation. But i still recognize thats also a valuable break for parents.
Most of all i dont wanna fight about screentime all the time with him and right know thats not and issue when he has not been introduced to that stuff.
I think its kind of a sore debate and when you say “screenfree” you sound amazingly pretentious. I played a massive amount of games on the family computer growing up and it did not do me any harm. But i guess playing old strategy games is different form playing Roblox which never seems to end.
Help a young father out!
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17 year old son and 15½ year old daugher.
Daughter is very easy going, and whilst she wants her belly button pierced she is happy to wait until her 16th birthday.
Son is at that stage where he just wants to be out all the time, his school work is suffering but he just doesn’t seem to get it. I keep trying to explain to him that if i had my time again, i would l’ve knuckled down a lot more.
I’m glad that neither are into computer games, but as with most teenagers, they live theor entire existence in their phones. Sons problem is that he has a HUGE socials circle- his best friend is a teen influencer who earns a ridiculous amount and their entire world is warped - I mean, they will think nothingnof going into Harrods shopping and dropping a few grand on bags/clothes etc.
He is going to have a shock when he leaves home…
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Was going to post the same Joe. I listened to it on Audible.
Prof Steve Jones, The Chimp Paradox is another I’d recommend if you find yourself getting into silly scrapes.
I did type a long response to @Turquoise but somehow lost in the ether.
We were pretty much screen free for the early years, I even hid the tele behind a painting.
They both got phones at the end of school year six, so 11 years old.
My son got heavily into fortnite around the same time and it was because all his freinds were talking about it and didn’t want him to feel left out that we got it.
It was alarming how long he would play for, coming down with a ‘thousand yard stare”. We would monitor his usage and discuss it with him. He had no concept of how long he’d been playing.
The positive was that it was also a way of communicating with freinds which came into its own during the lockdowns .
He is now 19 and has zero social media, is very savvy about getting what he wants from Youtube etc, and games occasionally with a mate. He still goes back to Minecraft as a way of chilling out.
The phrase “everything is a phase” rings true.
Our daughter has to check her phone literally every minute. It’s become like a tick. Even when your chatting or whatever, she’ll just quickly glance at her phone.
The constant communication, messages, alerts and checking where everyone else is on Snap chat must be absolutely exhausting.
I’ve tried over the years to recommend she watches The Social Dilemma but as a 17yr old she knows it all already 
Something I think worth sharing is from when my son was born the thing that upset me the most was the thought that it was inevitable that one day he would feel the same about me as I did to my Dad.
It hasn’t happened and I do t think it will, we are past that tricky stage and have a really great relationship.
This is something I’m determined to have with my Daughter too.
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Yes I second that, it’s a very good book
Everyone should disable notifications that display when your phone is dormant. You soon get used to it and you can sell it as a security issue as phone thieves can use it to access your device as it can be used to show them two factor authentication codes without unlocking the phone.
https://www.police.uk/cp/crime-prevention/personal-safety-how-to-stay-safe/mobile-phone-advice/
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Books to recommend, here’s one I fully recommend. Both my daughter and I read it.
I think it’s good for age 10 upwards based on my experience. Cheesy title but based on some science.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0241403146?ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_fed_asin_title
It’s a jungle out there! Lad is 15…16 tomorrow and daughter is just 10.
Re screens one of the biggest issues I have is with school, especially my daughter’s Primary School - they often talk up the importance of not being tied to screens etc however everything they send home nowadays is on an App or email. Maths homework, spellings, project work all manner of communications. Nothing is written which in my opinion just enforces the notion that being on these things for everything is normal regardless of what they’re doing. This seems to have got worse in the past 5 years after Covid. My lad used to have written homework.
My son got a phone sort of by accident when he was 12, I gave him my old one so he could keep in touch with his friends during lockdown - even now it’s not allowed during mealtimes or in his room after lights out. He’s pretty good on it. My daughter has seen that as precedent but she won’t be having one for a while yet.
Guess like most things setting clear boundaries is important, not a particularly radical approach but seems to have mostly worked for us. If they’re used as a tool just to keep children quiet I think that’s when you may run into problems, but clearly from your post you won’t be doing that. Good luck mate.
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We were fairly strict on screen time but not overly but it was easier (ours are 21 and 24) when it was a Nintendo DS and that stuff. My youngest is a proper raver and that is the biggest worry as we are very open book on this stuff. Eldest is the opposite and trying to buy a house 
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I have three kids; 11, 8 and 5.
My son is at a sticky age. He’s quite sheltered and he’s gotten to the point where he spends more time at home than going outside. Essentially, he’s too old to play with his sisters but too young to hoof it across town to see his friends whose parents all keep them pretty much under lock and key. Gone are the days when we’d be told to come home when the street lights come on. It still saddens me that kids can’t just go to the park and there will be a bunch of kids playing football and you can just join. My kid said that they don’t let you join which seems the complete opposite of what the point of all of that was but anyway.
I’ve started giving him money and letting him go into town to go buy a comic or get some ice cream, which was great for a few weeks but he doesn’t want to do it alone and finds it quite naff - understandably - if dad goes with him all the time.
He’s not into girls or anything romantic yet, and he’s a year too young for his grade, so everyone else is on a different plane to him entirely. They’re all starting to realize that there are girls in class or opening up about gender etc. and he’s not there yet mentally and struggles with that a lot. We’ve even discussed pulling him out of school for a year but that may just isolate him.
I worry about him. He’s a sweet kid but its a difficult time.
The hardest thing I deal with is that I am away for a lot of the year working, and that means that when I am home I have to play catch up dad a lot and that can be very stressful. My wife is generally gone for the other time when I am home with her job so for 60% of the year the kids get one parent and we’ve tried to maintain consistency but they definitely each have their favourite parent and we get a lot of, “…but Mom said…” etc. My 5 year old also overheard me the other night when I had to let go of someone remotely and amusingly she fired me as her dad when I didn’t let her stay up past 8 on a school night. I did get a 5c severance package.
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I’ve got 3. My daughter is 22 which is the age I was when I had her. Two boys are 13 and 10.
We went through some tough times with my daughter. I’m only finding out now about stuff she was getting up to at 15 etc that I had no clue about. Teenagers have completely secret lives that we have no idea about! Im very lucky that she doesnt drink alcohol, so i don’t have that constant fear of her getting pissed on a night out and ending up in a dangerous situation.
One of my boys has quite severe ADHD. We went through hell for a few years waiting for him to get a diagnosis, which got delayed due to Covid. Its been utterly life changing since he started medication.
None of my kids are academic which surprises me because I kind of was. Sometimes i wonder if thats been due to my parenting. Im sure every parent stresses that they’ve got it wrong. I’m certainly confident that my kids know that they are loved.
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This thread touched a nerve for lots of us. I have a 16 yo daughter. The piercings and tattoos are not such an issue for her( we let her get piercings), she doesn’t really drink or take drugs ( much to my disappointment), but she spends lots of time on a screen.
The main issue I have is communication. I just wish we could talk more. But the only thing I keep hold of is the idea that when they communicate with us least is when they need us most. So I keep trying. She’s got ears.
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