Maybe a thread for help, advice and support for any Dads or Mums struggling with bringing up children?
I’ve done quite a lot of work on myself in recent times but somehow whenever I have a conversation with my teenage daughter about something that concerns me I always end up sounding like my dad and it ends badly.
Last nights issue was her request to get her tongue pierced and another piercing in her nose. She already has her nose done along with her belly button and there isn’t room on her ears for anymore.
Pretty much every time this comes up it ends in an argument.
Am I completely out of touch? I haven’t had a job interview for nearly 40 years so have no clue as to whether these things matter for those prospects.
My concern is that these decisions which are all being made in a 3 or 4 year time window between ages 14 and 17 say, could affect her opportunities for much longer.
I know she is determined that she will work in the creative sector and clearly that’ll be less of an issue but I imagine that the reality is that like many people she may have to take work where she can and pretend to be someone else for 8 hours a day.
I realise how boring this sounds but I hope here is a place I can get it off my chest and maybe get some perspective.
I wish I could offer words of advice but I can only really offer solidarity. It’s a fucking nightmare as ultimately you just can stop them once they get to 15 or whatever. With piercings and tattoos I’ve tried to take the “it’s your body line” from a very young age and thankfully my daughter hasn’t pushed it too far… yet. She’s got a few on her ears and just got her belly button with zero consultation with us. I know she’ll be getting a tattoo when she can and I’ve just tried to impress caution on her in discussions.
It’s very hard with teenagers as just everything can degenerate into a battle. I’ve tried, and often failed, to pick those battles wisely. I’d rather she had a shit ill-advised tattoo than a lot of other things. And, hey, tattoo removal has got to be a massive growth industry, right?!
Father of two teenage boys so here in solidarity and with slightly different concerns/issues to having a daughter.
You’ve got to trust how you have brought them up. Ultimately I think the values they get from you will be what influences their life in the longer term.
That being said I think ill advised posts on social media will pose a longer term issue for their prospects as opposed to a piercing or tattoo.
Dad of a 16yo daughter … who also wants to do her belly button and nose - she finishes school for college soon so I’m not that fussed about either after that. It seems to me they often just do it themselves anyway with a kit off Amazon! Generally I find there are bigger things to worry about (like the endless hours lost to doom scrolling and the terrifying proliferation of drugs at school and outside it, from a very young age). Mine vapes but all her friends seem to?!
This post got me thinking, and I remembered a lot of things, like what my parents might do differently when I had my phases…but in general it’s all so abstract and variable that I have no idea what I would do except try to just understand, communicate, learn. So I deleted my previous post because it was too long and there’s no point. I wish you all the best of luck with the great lesson it can be.
I employ two young women with nose piercings in office jobs that involve external meetings etc. I don’t think appearance is anywhere near as important these days as it was when we left school/college/uni (within reason and depending on the job I guess).
Nice one Piers, it is a bit of a nightmare at times.
Something I’ve learnt is to try not to bring your own baggage to the conversation. Easier said than done but it’s often a subconscious reaction to how you were treated as a child. I wasn’t allowed to have my ear pierced when I was a teenager so it’s likely I’m treating my daughter in the same way, rather than coming at the issue objectively, feeling compassion for my younger self and letting her get on with it.
In the course of the conversation this gets lost and we end up with a misunderstanding. I hate it.
It’s kid of funny how even though we have records and play cool music and and think we know cool stuff, to our teenage kids we are sooo out of touch as much as we thought about our own parents
We’ve a 19yr old son as well and although a lot is to do with their very different characters I can vouch for the “girls are more difficult” “boys are easier” cliche
Father to a 17 year old daughter here.
Her mum left the home and country 6+ years ago so I try to straddle good cop/bad cop and get it majorly wrong a lot of the time.
My parents didn’t create a good blueprint for it all, very judgey and had a go about haircuts not getting jobs (!) not even piercings!
Two pieces of advice I try to keep in mind, and often forget, one is “drop the rope” when my daughter is in a tug of war with me. Just drop the rope, it’s not going anywhere. I’ll try and find a link to something that explains this.
The other is to think of a parent to a teen as the side of a swimming pool. Something they can push away from but can always know they can come back to.
You have my sympathy.
Been going through a minefield with mine over the last 3-4 months as final exams loom, boyfriend trouble, summer inter-railing plan stress, life being too much altogether.
I mostly get it wrong and worry she doesn’t realise I am on her side. I’ve made some ground by saying that more often.
She tends to roll her eyes and tells me to stop listening to wanky podcasts and reading self help books…
Parent to 3 adopted children here. Two boys, 12 and 5 and an 11 year old girl. Slightly not hit the teenage years yet but the elder two have been telling me to fuck off for a number of years now.
The main thing I have learned, and it took me a good few years to get my head round it, is that shame and punishment do not work. I’m sure that most of us were parented like this and it is very difficult to get out of the parent tape of using these techniques.
Additionally in my role as a teacher of 16-19 year olds for well over 20 years I can attest that the vast majority of teenagers are absolutely lovely, even those with dyed hair, piercings, tattoos and even those who identify as dogs (not even joking!). I can count on one hand the number of past students that I have actively disliked and all of those came from very entitled backgrounds.
Obviously social media is something thats of concern at the moment but:
Is it as bad as everyone makes out?
Odds on future generations rejecting it or it goes out of fashion? FB isnt for the kids of today, IG still has a bit of traction but isnt what it was, twitter is dead…that leaves TikTok but that might be seen as naff in 10 years time…maybe it just gets replaced by something else or (hopefully) the whole concept implodes.
Teenage daughters blimey! - You can never ever win but they come round ( mine now 17 & maxing A levels & just got a degree apprenticeship)
On piercing - No one at a job interview will ever see if she has it. I work in a ‘pretty’ corporate world & loads of girls have 4 earrings & nose done
To put it into context I previously worked in a very corporate world & fact I once had 4 earnings never stopped me getting a job
Social Media - 90% of time Id say its a neutral thing but you only ever hear about 10% of problems - They are in that zone so genie out of the jar. Only worry is impact at doing it young & not seeing their mates which they come round to
Why do that need that Social Media - we had ‘why dont u’ for an hour every morning of the school holidays
Any acid house veteran worried about amount of drugs available to kids needs a long hard look at themselves. ‘Generally’ they seem more sensible is my opinion
Your not trying enough at the punishment
Jan - Nov take their phone / Ipad as punishment - works brilliantly
Dec - eat one of their advent chocolates ( win win)
Got 15 and 18 yr old daughters
As far as piercings and tattoos go it’s up to them- their choice ultimately. The rationale being that if we go the hardline route they’ll do it anyway (and then some) at the first opportunity.
Same with alcohol- a little taste here and there for the same reasons.
A lot of folk I know that had really conservative upbringings went totally off the scale on all that stuff at the first chance they got, so trying to swerve that… but of course it can be a rocky road…
Health and fitness is more important for teenagers these days imo than jumping on the roundabout in the local park and projectile vomiting after a bottle of mad dog 2020- a good thing on one hand but also testament to the self conscious image needs of instagram tik tok maybe… different times
got a 10yo “enbie” (AFAB, non-binary) so watching this thread with interest. the next few years are likely going to be a wild ride, but i don’t yet have any reason to believe that they’ll be especially difficult. but trying to mentally prepare for all outcomes.
someone earlier noted something about how we’re here to learn from them (not the other way around) and i think there’s something there - i’ve learned a lot in a short amount of time from my kid about gender issues and how the kids are navigating it. short answer: pretty well, thus far.
