Slightly tongue in cheek thread, but I’ve gone a bit quiet on the forum the last few months. After splitting up with my serious Spanish girlfriend about 8 years ago I’ve been floating around the dating scene in Barcelona (good), Berlin (blinding) but less so in Portugal where conservatism, catholic guilt and the small, everyone knows each other population encourages loveless long term relationships & less casual encounters (I’m not joking!).
My new Portuguese partner has worked in the arts all her life, loves the TSMM project, is very supportive, and is fully behind me in my wish to monetise TSMM properly, ditch the part time teaching and return to full time music work. But obviously I want to spend some quality time with her so a few things have to give.
So any tips to juggle the partners and the tunes? Has a long term partner/wife/husband seriously affected your music habits, record collection, gig going?
Advice and sob stories below…
Single AF here. Wouldn’t have it any other way.
Feels like we need the classic 4 image photo shoot with captions for this Dear Deidre style thread….
***man stares wistfully at wall of records with nagging partner wagging finger in the background ***
My thing is records (have a lot, but don’t buy anything like as many as i used to), my wife’s thing is books (has a lot, still buys a lot). We acknowledge each other’s passion/obsession, and get on with it.
It’s like any relationship. Bit of give, bit of take, usually meet in the middle.
This is more the question for me on this forum. How do people have the time to listen to so much music (while also rewatching the Sopranos for the sixth time)
Tried to write this a few times and failed but here goes…I seem to have had a bit of a breakdown at the end of June, I got overwhelmed by the stuff of life and got depressed. I’ve withdrawn from a lot of the people and things I love. Music being one of them.
At the moment I seem to resemble a member of the Taliban. My beard is strong, I stopped drinking alcohol 7 weeks ago, I’m not listening to music and I’m not allowing my daughter to go to school. Though to be fair on the last one it is the summer holidays.
I’ve got around a dozen mailers containing multiple records that i’ve not opened. I can’t think what many of them even are. I’m sitting looking at thousands of records and wondering if i’ll ever play them again.
I’m feeling much better now, taking things very slowly, including driving but that’s mainly because the vehicles in limp mode. Concentrating on family and work and my relationship with my wife and children has seldom been better.
I’ve listened to and watched an awful lot of cricket this summer which has provided a different rhythm to life.
It is slightly worrying that I might not get my mojo back as far as records/music is concerned particularly as we’ve a couple of gigs coming up. Fortunately they don’t rely on me for success which relieves any pressure.
I likened it to a relationship that you know is over and no matter how much you’d like to feel differently you just can’t. I’m happy to let this play out but if there are suggestions on how to revive a lost love I’m all ears.
I enjoyed reading the TSMM website so that may be a good starting point. Thanks.
The music in itself isn’t an issue for us. Me going on the internet for hours and talking about it can be more problematic though…
Music comes and goes in waves in my life too, such a great thing we expect it to cure all, but it can’t.
Those happy places it takes you to don’t exist unless you are in one*.
That’s the key, you got this.
*Sorry , just re-read that and sounds like bollocks but you know kinda true.
I’m going to take some time for a fuller response but just wanted to say I’m sorry to hear you’ve been having a tough time, @LazySimon . Thanks for sharing with us and know you are amongst friends here. Sending love & best wishes. X
I think it’s really positive to be able to let things go for a bit. You can’t focus on everything and sometimes you need to preserve some bandwidth. If things come back, they come back but you’ve got the important stuff in your sights and that’s what counts.
Sorry to read this, Simon. If it’s any consolation. I, and probably many others too, go through phases where I just don’t really care about music. This can go on for months, which isn’t ideal, but then just as quickly as the passion disappeared, it comes back again.
I hope you gradually get your mojo back - its sounds like you are making all the right moves.
I think most of us are anyway at an age where we’re not quite as intense about music, in so far as you gain perspective, you know it’s always there when you need it, we don’t have to be the first to know about it, we long ago gave up competing with the kids or trying to be top dog… (easy James Murphy lol) I would cringe if I were to read the old arguments I got into about genres and stuff. My approach now is to identify what I like but not get too obsessive or completist about it. A lot of DJs I know are special occasions only now rather than weekly jobbers and I guess that eases the pressure on them too.
Thank you all for your words of support, I didn’t think I’d be alone in this. I actually feel pretty good. It’s the longest I’ve had off the alcohol since I was 16 i reckon which can’t be a bad thing. I’m not making any promises or putting myself under pressure, just taking things easy for now.
not having alcohol in your body after such a long time of being used to it will also have an impact, physically and mentally. i may be stating the obvious here… but, in the words of Leonard Cohen… “give it time…” It’s a great mantra.!
It may be that, as you “re-balance” you’ll rediscover your “mojo”, it hasn’t gone, your energies may just be focussed elsewhere…
I’m medically retired with a health condition. I have a lot of free time. If i’m awake and at home then there is music on.
Sorry to hear mate as I completely empathise with this. I have had my own struggles in the past, and lost any interest in music (or anything else). I can assure you that you will get it all back, it might take time, but it will come.
Feel free to PM anytime
In my experience (married 10 years this year) marriage is about give and take. We have a small living space, and she has made it known that she doesn’t appreciate loads of records lying around. It doesn’t help that I also collect books and wine (the latter thankfully stored off-site). Perhaps if/when we move to a larger space that will change. But it has made me re-evaluate my collecting instinct and I will only buy physical media if I absolutely have to have it. Kudos to you for giving up alcohol and making positive changes! Good luck x
To be honest I’m not sorry to hear about your breakdown as not enough people, (UK) men especially never admit to such things, they just bottle it up and get a whole lot worse, so good on you for sharing.
Sounds like you’re on top of things as well - giving up drinking is a great one and the opposite of most people’s reactions, who would be reaching for the bottle or worse. Exercise - gently if it’s been a while, also works wonders for mental health in general. Sounds like you’ve got your eye on the real prize as well - the family.
With regards to the music give it some time, enjoy the cricket, marvel at your facial hair growth and dip into the collection if the mood takes you. Maybe a time out is what you needed or maybe its personal evolution - I worry about people that slip into a routine early in life, never change and even let it define them.
Personally I’ve imagined a time without obsessive music behaviour and more focus on other passions - growing food, cooking, fermenting things and working on environmental projects, they all sound pretty good to me
Stay strong, go with the flow and if that’s not working don’t be afraid to talk to someone. All the best and thanks for the kind words about TSMM, hope you get some joy from it.