I think I know you! I lived in detroit in 1988 and then chicago on and off with my first wife Amy ( still friends). Did you have a timber barn ? With records in it? You know Ron Trent? Im going back years and I am now old…
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Another interesting read…
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Another tiny mantra, or little piece of verbal advice/encouragement, that I occasionally use is “Suck the marrow from the charred bones of life.”
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LOL Could be. I’ve lived in SW WIsconsin for ages. I do have an old timber frame barn. Definitely had a sound system in it for a short while but the pigeon shit chased me out. I threw parties in yard, field, garage, machine shed, and brick farmhouse much more often than barn. I don’t know Ron but I’m good friends with Sean Smith (Smooth Agent Records) and he’s kindly introduced me to so many chicago legends (e.g. Larry Heard, K Alexi, Stacy Kidd, Harold Brandon, Bernard Badie, Brian Harden, Robert WIlliams, etc etc.) I was also regular on Deep House Page and got to know a ton of folks at the Chosen Few Picnics. Still keep up a weekly show on DHP Radio. I’ve definitely partied in Chi- Smartbar, lofts, raves back in the day, etc. First parties in Chi in 93ish. Here’s a pic of me (2nd from left + Chi House Heros Bernard Badie, Larry Heard, Harold Brandon, and Sean Smith)
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Grateful for all of you here and the things I’ve learned.
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Updating the thread title…
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Namaste 🫶🏼
12 years ago i was recovering from drug abuse. I was starting to get my life back togheter, and come out of the haze. Around then i started to get really ill from time to time. Coulden’t stand up and was puking. I was diagnosed with cancer. I went through operation, chemo and radiation treatment.
Throughout the care i was positive and ready to fight. 5 Years later after spending 100’s hours in hospitals i was declared cancer free. This is when the journey to complete darkness started.
I felt so guilty for surviving i had hard time not ending it. In fact i went to Ibiza by myself to end my life. A friend insited to tag along and that saved my life (that a halicunation of Jose Padilla, on a beach with a kid)
Back in my everyday life things started to get strange. So strange that i was convinced is was drugged with LSD by someone close to me. I drifted in and out of the psychosis for years and was finally comitted to a mental hospital.
Once again the treatment helped and the haze started to disappear. I was diagnosed withe a severe mental illness and had probably been ill for years, Somehow i managed to uphold a career and a relationship while drifting in and out. I have now felt okay for some years and even have a kid which i love more than anything.
There is help. Never give up
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That’s a hell of a ride. Glad you’re doing well.
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Very grateful for this thread. This year shit finally got real for me. I feel pathetic for reaching 55 and only just realising what a mess I’ve made. At least I still have time to make amends but I doubt I can make up for the last 35 years I just wasted.
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Try not to get hung up on the past and certainly try not to spend too much time and effort ruminating on what ifs and if onlies. The past is mostly an imagined/curated version of the present as it was then, just as the future is illusory.
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Am slightly younger but been there too. The constant regrets, cringe, missed opps and all the rest of it. Really have to thank my gf for rewiring my mindset, extracting positives from the wreckage and looking forward and never back. We’re all mostly in or around our 50s. Time soldiers on. I think of all the inspirational people in later life, still making music, campaigning, travelling, whatever and I find that really helps.
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In therapy I had the same sort of concern and my therapist said - and she’s very matter of fact, which I like - “what’s done is done, to set a new course you have to look to the horizon and not the stern.”
I know that’s easier said than done but I thought it was good advice. Instead of dwelling on the past or dissecting where you have supposedly misstepped just chalk it up to life experiences and get on with your new path. It’ll all be good.
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There’s plenty of time left for Act II. The best bit of the movie is still to come.
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Each new hour holds new chances
For a new beginning…
The horizon leans forward,
Offering you space to place new steps of change.
Maya Angelou c/o LTJ Bukem
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Perfect
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Never knew where that came from, 
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I made it to 50 before finally deciding to go and speak with someone about unresolved childhood trauma. I had the typical British stoical ‘suck it up buttercup’ attitude to therapy, feeling like a bit of a fraud when there are seemingly so many people with ‘real problems’.
It took my girlfriend telling me that whilst that may be true, both things can be true simultaneously - yes there are many others who have huge issues, but equally my issues were not invalidated because of that.
One of the biggest breakthrough moments for me was being told that my parent’s pain wasn’t mine, and I could forgive them and myself for that.
I went back after a couple of years because things were getting on top of me a little. I’ll probably go back again at some point. I’m glad I did overall, it’s not easy but fuck it, anything is worth feeling a little lighter.
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“They fuck you up, your Mum and Dad”.
Unfortunately I see it in friends and family members around the 40-50 age range struggling to get to to grips with feelings/trauma/inherited shame etc that really they have no control over, don’t deserve and shouldn’t have to carry into adulthood for so long. If only we were given the tools at an earlier age to forgive ourselves and our parents, as J_C mentioned above, I wonder how our lives would be different.
This is the time of life we should be at ease, we’ve all worked so hard, many of us have kids and their emotions to deal with, not to mention the spill over into our own parenting based on often failed models learnt from boomer parents who in turn were raised by stoic post war parents of their own. The best we can do is break that chain and start a new perspective of not allowing that lineage of behavior enter into our kid’s blueprint.
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