Agree too! If you can, it’s a great way to feel a part of something worthwhile.
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Mate, sounds like a bit of a hard time for you. Having mobility limited is a tough thing to endure.
I had a traumatic childhood, partly in care and lots of abuse. It has left me with a legacy of issues that I pretty much ignored, buried and pretended to be as normal as possible, none of which helped at all. I found spaces that gave me peace, art galleries, wilderness, socialising with great fun/positive people. Activity and diet helped me a very large amount.
I have had a fair amount of counciling over the years, and in my experience it’s all about who you get. Most of them are just quite odd and it shows, but get a good one and they can really help heal.The advice in these comments above is about as good as I’ve seen anywhere and it shows just how many of us have these things, but it also shows how they are manageable.
All the best mate. Love your input into our beloved forum, don’t be a stranger. Mental health listening list maybe ?
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This thread is amazing and you are all wonderful people. One of the unearned benefits of asking for help/advice is that it will undoubtedly help others. I’m sure this thread will be a great resource.
The only thing I can add is yoga. Gave me a great ‘third space’ between work and family and a time when I really needed it, and I was lucky to find a great group of other dads with a wonderful teacher. Great for that mental / physical health connection & helped with back issues (though giving up commuting was the only real solution). I’ve given it up since it went online during lockdown but it’s taught lifelong lessons in how to breathe, move and hold yourself.
The best of everything to you all.
& PS yes to that listening list
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I think if anyone can get to 40-50 years of age without experiencing some form of mental health issue, then they’ve been exceptionally fortunate (especially given the past 5 years). This thread just proves that none of us are alone in dealing with it and in the last 10 years, it has finally and thankfully become much more widely discussed and ‘accepted’.
Can’t really add much more than what has already been suggested - exercise (although I appreciate that might be a challenge if you are in pain), cut down/out booze and gear, talk to mates, etc.
Personally, having worked in sales all my career, I’ve tried not to get too high on the highs and too low on the lows, and I’d say that 90% of the time it’s all good. But when I do crash, I crash hard, fast and go to a very dark place, which is awful for my family. I also had a massive existential crisis a few summers back and went to a few group therapy sessions, but felt that they were just stating the obvious.
Not for everyone, but I do find the need to blow the cobwebs off in a big way about twice a year. Previously that would’ve involved ingesting copious amounts of Class A’s and the resulting comedown would be absolutely horrific. Whereas nowadays, a nice bit of wonky chocolate does the trick, there’s zero comedown, and if anything, it levels me out in a really good way.
We are all with you x
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Ive suffered with mental health since being 19 which coincided with going clubbing and taking illicits. I was told by a senior psychiatrist at the time that there was nothing wrong and ‘I think you just need to grow up son’.
35 yrs later I’m told that I have ADD, which is like ADHD without the being hyper bit. Feel like I lost 35 yrs of my life that could have / should have been managed better.
But I have managed and got thru, and regard myself to have had a good life even with knowing deep in the back of my mind that something wasn’t quite right with me.
I managed by these x3 steps:
I had x3 big sources of negativity which were x3 people who were close to me. I now regard these as narcissists and let go of all x3 relationships. The freedom from the strain of these relationships was immense. No more negativity from these people, no more attempts of them trying to control you or tell you what to do. Putting you down etc. Yes, I lost x3 people who I had known a long time and had a lot of history with, but the release and relief is better than any class A drug I’ve had. Free yourself from any potential narcissists and negativity. Surround yourself with good people who give positivity, its the only way.
Self reflection. I have x2 children who are now 19 & 16 who are remarkable human beings. They are warm, kind loving souls who are loved and respected by everyone around them. I’ve brought them both up for the majority of their lives on my own, and no matter what I do now until I die, they will be my greatest achievement. I’m a proud man and thinking about those 2 lifts my self esteem massively. I often reflect on other things I’ve done in life, and whilst I have done somethings that are considered as mad or just plain stupid, I’m quite proud of the things I have achieved too. Bringing my two kids up solo, whilst running a business which does well, means I can give them & myself a good life. I am a lucky man. Reflect and look back on all of the positive and good things you’ve done in life, you’ll be proud of yourself.
Finally, get yourself another dog! I got a Doberman pup 3 years ago and its one of the best things I’ve ever done. We walk for 2 hours every day, around the small town where we live and the surrounding villages. We stop and talk to as many people as we can on the way and have made many new friends and acquaintances from just starting off saying ’morning’ as you pass. Even to just get a smile off someone can breed positivity and increase your mood. I love it.
Apologies for the lecture….
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Fantastic thread. Thanks to all who have contributed so far - every post has at least one fantastic tip/piece of real world, achievable advice all of which are worth more than youl realise.
It’s a public holiday in Australia today and I thought I would just take advantage and have a lie in. Was reading through this thread and it totally inspired me to get up, get dressed and go for a nice long walk with my wife and our dog. Set me up for a productive day of doing some things around the house I’d been putting off and now I’m in the middle of cooking a roast for the family.
I’ll post more about some good mental health stratergies I’ve learned over the years when I have more time. The thing to remember is that it’s never too late to start new practices and there’s always something new to learn and share. Keep the conversation going - it’s important.
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Without turning this into a musical thread, this record sums things up beautifully:
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I second the dog. Although she lives with my ex and my daughter she’s a big part of my life too and that unconditional love and general hilarity that they can bring is definitely good for my head.
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Some good points here about therapy. I’ve had five different counsellors over 30 years - I’ve not been to one for four years but when I can feel things slipping into a danger zone it’s always an option for me. Two of those five were brilliant, two were ok, one I would say was counter productive because she spent too much time giving really quite bad advice. As you say, it’s about who you get and it’s a bit of a lottery. Therapy for me was a way of confronting childhood trauma and was frankly the only non judgemental and safe space I was ever likely to be able to do that properly.
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I think a lot of middle-aged (male) angst is related to a mixture of hormone changes, life regrets, envy, work stress, finally easing off the gear, not feeling as energetic as you were, and your body also not processing food and booze as easily as it did. For various reasons I don’t go out anymore beyond the odd gig and the lifestyle changed too. It’s not been easy adapting but sometimes you’re forced to.
Nostalgia is really unhealthy and need to let go of the past. Good times were had that can never be replicated. Maybe the odd one-off blowout in the summer and that’s it. The rest of the time, I find it’s good to get outside the rave circuit, meet new people, get different ideas on things. I was lucky to meet a crew, open to good music but with very different histories and it isn’t a case of just ‘sitting up’ all weekend now, people would rather just have a BBQ or go on excursions, to interesting lectures and stuff. That massively helps when you’re demotivated about leaving the house. Still drink too much wine over a week but it’s not problematic. Staying focused is the main thing and not sliding.
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I’m always conflicted about recommending antidepressants to people for a few reasons that I’ll touch upon shortly, but you are absolutely right in saying that they stabilise and suppress dark thoughts. I was in a really bad place for a number of years and I fully credit antidepressants for getting me out of that.
Having said that, a word of caution: I ended up becoming dependent on them and stayed on them for 8 years, from the age of 20 to earlier this year. The side effects haven’t been nice. I have quite severe emotional blunting to the point where I’ve struggled to experience seemingly any emotion over the past 3 years. Things that should make me happy don’t, things that should make me sad don’t. I’m coasting through life in this strange, distant, half-awake state where seemingly nothing has any impact on me.
It’s now been three months since I’ve fully stopped taking them (after six months of slowly reducing the dose) and I can’t say I’ve noticed any difference either. There’s been other things going on that might be a factor in that however, but it’s not unheard of for the blunting to remain for years, decades even, after taking antidepressants. There was a great episode of Panorama that explores this (and the problems with antidepressants as a whole) - BBC One - Panorama, The Antidepressant Story
I would warn people off taking antidepressants for an extended period of time. They can work wonders in the short term, but they shouldn’t be considered the be-all and end-all (in my medically unqualified opinion of course)
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Yeah not for everyone, but they changed my partner’s life completely. Best thing she ever did for her mental and physical health.
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Very happy to hear that, and you are right - everyone reacts to them differently. They were a miracle drug for me during those first couple of years.
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You sum things up well. This:
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I often look back on the past, as some of my posts demonstrate 
. I laugh at some of the things I’ve done and try and learn from the mistakes that have been made. But I never dwell on the past or long to go back there.
Look back by all means, learn, but never ever stop moving forward……
As for regret, I feel I’ve learned the true meaning in that to never regret things I have done, only things that I havent.
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I’m 48 , my Dad died at 55 and I feel like i’m hurtling towards that landmark at a frightening pace. I’m fully in the midst of a mid life crisis, weighing up where I am everyday, why aren’t i doing the things I want to do, am i being useful? making a difference? Had a heart issue scare a few years back , thankfully had a procedure which seems to have sorted it but live in fear of it returning.
Exercise definitely helps me, I don’t think it deals with the root of any of the unhappiness but it definitely lifts my mood. I did dry Jan for the first time this year and that has helped change my relationship to Alcohol. I definitely felt happier and more energetic when not drinking. I haven’t given it up altogether but I feel like its a choice to drink now whereas before it was a behaviour . It sounds like a silly thing but I really think Duolingo has helped me, just doing 10 minutes everyday of trying to learn a language , lord knows if any of it is going in, but it just feels like a really positive use of my time. Watching the Ronnie O Sullivan doc prompted me to see a therapist. I’m forever telling myself if only I had this , or if only this thing was happening for me then i’d be content but seeing the doc made me realise that it always comes from inside you, its not based on circumstances. So that was a good place to start.
Thanks for posting and sharing.
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The Manopause.
Joking aside, the mid-life crisis is real & observable across cultures & even species (orang utans apparently) Discovery - Uncharted: The happiness curve - Uncharted: The happiness curve - BBC Sounds
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For a couple of people I know, they’ve allowed them space to develop better habits (eg exercise) & thought patterns, that have persisted after they’ve stopped taking them.
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a few years back i was prescribed sertraline and would like to share my experience… day 1 nothing, day 2 a manic episode where i was pacing, grinding my teeth and tensing my whole body for around 2 hours followed by 3 hours asleep on the sofa… days 3-7 amazing! took it in the morning, felt like i was coming up on a pinger on my walk to work, loved it! day 8 on… plateau of normality (so i thought) … 5 1/2 months in realised i had felt virtually no emotion in all that time, as i had 2 weeks worth left decided to half the dose myself for the next 4 weeks and come off it as i would rather feel some lows to appreciate the highs than feel nothing whatsoever… been fine since, btw.
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We can joke, laughter is a great medicine… There’s a band here called Men on pause.
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